Today’s world, on a good day, often defaults to debate and
argument as the primary modes of learning in relationship. As someone who has found immense value in the
practice of inquiry, particularly influenced by Tibetan Buddhist traditions (yogacara and tantra in particular),
I'm writing today to name how much I have benefitted from forms of relating
that are less seen in our culture. These are forms of engagement that I learned
later in life, yet they've profoundly impacted my life. This is an example of
the many aspects of life that are simply 'water' for us fish, and we swim
without the pause of exploring other paths, as they are not shared.
Debate: The Battle of Ideas
What It Is
Debate seems like a gold standard in the modern West—a
battle of ideas. Multiple individuals or parties come together to present their
strongest arguments in favor of their ideas while attempting to undercut the
opposing side.
Value
Debate offers a multi-faceted understanding of an issue and
provides audiences with the opportunity to form their own opinions. It steers
clear of character attacks and focuses on the strength of ideas.
Blindspots
However, debate has its limitations. It often emphasizes the
strength of the speaker over the strength of the idea, assumes objectivity, assumes
discreteness (not integration), and focuses on differences rather than common
ground.
Dialogue: The Journey to Shared Understanding
What It Is
Dialogue is an exploratory form of engagement best
articulated by David Bohm in his conversations with J. Krishnamurti. It
involves no set agenda and aims to develop shared meaning.
Value
Dialogue offers a space where there is nothing to 'win' and
nobody to 'beat.' It fosters creativity, assumes subjectivity, and has a
depolarizing effect. It holds an
intention to integration of viewpoints that cannot be discovered individually.
Blindspots
Despite its merits, dialogue can be influenced by unequal
power dynamics and may require skilled facilitation to prevent 'groupthink' or
lack of integrative paths.
Inquiry: The Path to Self-Discovery
What It Is
Inquiry is a form of engagement that centers on reflective
self-discovery in community. The discussion serves as a 'shared witnessing' of each
individual's grappling with their unconscious inner life, including
motivations, patterns, trauma, and beyond. It’s a deeply vulnerable space.
Value
Inquiry offers transformative potential by engaging
'upstream' of rationality towards feelings, sensations, and intentions. It
takes deep ownership of one's experience, to the point of deconstructing one’s
viewpoints.
Blindspots
However, inquiry may remain abstract and not actionable. It
requires extraordinary levels of psychological safety and may placate or push
away feelings rather than simply experiencing them. Also, without strong ethical foundations, the path forward from deconstruction can be disharmonious.
Practical Challenges and Approaches in Modern Contexts
In today's world, the practical application of these forms
of engagement, especially inquiry, faces several challenges. For instance, the
rarity of inquiry as a form of public discourse is due to its requirement for
deep vulnerability, making it less suitable for public settings. Moreover, the
contextual nature of inquiry makes it difficult to discuss meaningfully outside
of the specific situations in which it occurs.
To navigate these challenges in manifesting inquiry-based forms of relating, I've found the following strategies helpful:
Designing for Psychological
Safety: Before any conversation, creating causes and conditions that
support people being able to share things they’ve never consciously thought,
much less heard themselves say – lots of seed planting. In most cases, the lack of safety is the main driver for why inquiry is not possible.
Self-Discovery as the Core:
Approaching each conversation with the mindset that the space is there to
support me in discovering more about myself. The manifestation of curiosity
is a major driver, both internal and external.
Real-Time Awareness: Paying
attention to nervous system activation as it happens. Instead of assuming
something needs to be addressed in the 'other,' ask oneself, 'What is this situation illuminating about my unconscious patterns?'
Ownership of Experience:
Describing and feeling sensations, feelings, and narratives as one’s own,
without attributing them to the 'other.' Allowing for possibility that others
need to be 0% different than they are now.
Emergence of Possibilities:
Allowing for the emergence of actionable steps or insights from this new
context. Whether it's something to say, do, or intend, the possibilities are
infinite but can include timeliness and action.
I’ve been experimenting with inquiry-based approaches in
leadership domains. I have seen again
and again that in these contexts, as there is ownership, there can be a felt
sense of heartbreak – the sensation and realization that the world perceived as
‘out there’ was, all this time, self-created in a significant way.
And from the expansiveness of that insight, emergence of steps forward.
I also increasingly find a challenge in talking/sharing about specifics here. While I have many stories to name, I also find these spaces sacred and honoring them means not being specific. That being said, I have seen folks in many conflict-type situations 'flip' into expansive love with the gift they've been given in the form of conflict. Others who struggle with a perceived decision to make, only to have the decision dissolve. I've seen this in partnerships, in parenting, in workplaces, in broader relationships - relating becomes a container where, with shared agreement, one brings the ashram mindset. Of course, the real experience is in the moment moreso than the words - if that's of interest from a leadership dimension, reach out, and we can explore.
The Modern Context
In the age of social media, workplace dynamics, and even friend/family
relationships, the structures and agreements we operate within often limit our
psychological safety and, by extension, our capacity for self-discovery. We are
in a world where being truly vulnerable can result in out-casting, or
create difficulties within our governance systems. However, the power to change these
structures starts with our social design choices, at every moment, down to the questions we will ask our next conversation partner and the mindspace with which we hold what is shared. And so we do the work of
cultivating spaces where such interaction may be possible.
In a world often dominated by attack, argument, and sometimes debate, the transformative potential of dialogue and inquiry is immense in my eyes. While debate serves its purpose in presenting multi-faceted views, it often falls short in fostering true understanding and integration. Dialogue, on the other hand, offers a collaborative space for shared meaning, and inquiry takes this a step further by centering self-discovery as the core of relating. These forms of engagement offer not just alternative ways to interact but also pathways to deeper understanding and self-discovery. If you’re reading this, I assume you’re experimenting in these areas yourself – perhaps some part of this may support your path also. May such practices support a compassionate and wise world!
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